Suspicion: Mid-Week Reflection

EMILY RUTLEDGE, YOUTH MINISTER

One of my absolute most cherished moments in ministry happened last year. I have spoken about it a million times and I will a million more. One night we were talking about prayer and why it can be so difficult. Finding the right words, the lack of audible response from God, the way prayer is not always answered in the fashion we would like. Then, one brave hand was raised and a voice spoke up,

“What is most difficult for me is… what if I have been doing all this praying and there is nothing. What if I’m just talking to myself?“

Silence.

Then forty adolescent (and adult) heads began to nod and there was an audible ‘yes’ that echoed across the room.

Rachel Held Evans writes, “I have come to regard with some suspicion those who claim that the Bible never troubles them. I can only assume this means they haven’t actually read it.”

I believe the same can be said for anyone who can easily accept the radical notion of God. When we think of the complexity of our lives, our bodies, our planet, the universe, and digest the concept of a creating God there are parts of my brain that physically hurt and can’t believe this whole God-thing and that this God also loves me. Then I remember the moment I gave birth to both my children. I kneel beside people I love, don’t know, and need to forgive while receiving Eucharist. I witness the Holy Spirit move through a community of teenagers as they empower each other to be true to their hearts in a harsh world. I experience Christ within me and through me and at me and I am willing to risk it all. It’s the one thing I am willing to be completely wrong about because there is something inside of me that can’t let go of the fact that I know I’m not just talking to myself.

That moment, when that brave teenager admitted that we could all be dead wrong… that was it for me, that was when I knew we were on the right track here, we had become a place to work out our questions about God. There were disciples who followed Jesus his entire ministry and were still not sure if they believed he was the Son of God. Faith is hard. It is even harder when we question alone. When one brave soul can speak up and say, “What if I’m talking to myself?” another can remind us of the moments they have witnessed grace and redemption in our lives. Moments they have seen God in and through and at us. The questioning makes us stronger. You are not alone (even when you feel like you are just talking to yourself).