Matthew 6:1-6, 16-21
What is this self that constantly craves the approval of others? Look at how I’m fasting, look at how much money I’m giving away, look at how fervently I pray. Look at me and be impressed! It’s almost comical, but we are in no position to laugh. Have we not all been guilty of the same thing? Look at the house I live in, look at the car I drive, look at the clothes I wear! Don’t you feel jealous? Look at the degrees I’ve earned and the awards I’ve received! Don’t you admire me? Look at how successful I am. Look at the good works that I do. Look at how well my children are turning out. And it doesn’t even have to be as overt or dramatic as that. Look at how normal and respectable I am, look at how I fit in and belong. Or look at how distinctive I am. Or even, look at how sick I am, how needy I am. Just look at me. Tell me that I have value. Show me that I matter.
What is this self? It’s the self that needs to die. Jesus doesn’t condemn us for slavishly craving the approval of others: he just wants to set us free from it. Think for a moment — it’s Ash Wednesday, so think honestly and bravely — of how much of your life you have devoted to trying to win the good opinion of others. Think of how much time, energy, effort, and anxiety you have expended on this. Think, if you dare, of how much it has distracted you from living abundantly, how much it has prevented you from fully loving God, loving others, loving yourself. And then imagine a life where you didn’t need to impress anyone, didn’t need to get affirmation from anyone. Imagine the freedom you would have.
Jesus says you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free. So here’s the truth: we don’t need to live this way, with our ego-driven selves constantly gauging what other people think about us. Certainly we are communal creatures, and there are healthy ways we need each other. But while we are interdependent and connected in love, we are not supposed to be codependent and bound together in anxiety, unable to feel good about ourselves unless others affirm our value. That leads to spiritual sickness and death, and that is what Jesus saves us from.
But while that’s the life we need to lose and the self that needs to die, we don’t need to kill it. There is no violence in the Gospel. Jesus simply directs us to our true self, which is united to God in love and doesn’t need anyone else to give it value. This is the self that Jesus so beautifully embodies. It is the buried treasure within all of us, the pearl of great price we already own. It is the secret that sets us free, if we will just see it: Go into your room and shut the door and pray to your Father who is in secret; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you.
As I’ve said to you many times, the word we translate as repentance is metanoia. It doesn’t mean feel bad for your sins. It means change your mind. So the first and best act of metanoia we can do this Lent is to see ourselves as we truly are. And one crucial way to do that is by acknowledging all the ways we try to win the approval of others, and all the ways that stops us from actually loving. I’m embarrassed by how much of my life I have tried to impress people, and I know that when I am doing that, I’m not loving them, and I’m certainly not loving myself, much less God. Now, we don’t need to do anything about it: we don’t need to condemn it or justify it or fix it. We just have to see it for what it is: we need others to show us we’ are loved and valued because so often we don’t feel like we’re loved and valued as we are. We’re out of touch with our center, with God. We just need to own it.
And then, having done that, spend some time with your soul, your real self, your Christ self. The only Lenten discipline that has any merit is one that helps us connect with our true self and with God. If we do something to punish ourselves or earn God’s favor by suffering, we’re wasting our time. God doesn’t need that, and neither do we. So if you want to fast to stop stuffing your needs and anxieties with food and create some space for God, great. If you want to give time and money away because such generosity helps you remember who you really are in Christ, great. If you want to spend more time praying and deliberately being with God, great. The invitation is to know yourself as a precious child of a loving Creator, enfolded in mercy, infinity cherished. Nobody else’s opinion matters.
The more we know that in our heart and soul, the more our false ego self can fade away, and the freer we will be to love and be loved. Those hypocrites in the Gospel today? They’re not evil: they’re just ignorant. Like so many people in the Gospel stories, like so many of us, they’re blind. They don’t see the truth. I am a baby in the spiritual life, a beginner like all of us, but I have experienced enough of this to know it’s true. I am much freer today than I was ten years ago; God willing, I will be much freer ten years from now than I am today. Growth is up to God. Our job is simple: we just need to repent, to open our eyes and see the truth. The Holy Spirit will do the rest.
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